On New Year's Eve, two important facts were revealed to me:
1. Jools Holland's Hootenanny is not broadcast live.
2. Smoked salmon with mascarpone cheese is a marriage made in heaven.
The truth about Jools Holland had been revealed to me only that day by a comment on Flying Rodent's blog. I dismissed it as an irrelevance. By midnight (11 p.m. in UK), I calculated, I would be so happily sloshed that I wouldn't care. I was wrong. I wasn't that sloshed. Now I knew the truth, everything Jools said to his self-conscious audience gave the game away. His time-checks were deliberately vague. I should have realized that Kylie, Sir Paul McCartney and Dr Who would have had better things to do on Hogmanay than to spend it in a draughty BBC studio sipping blackcurrant juice and pretending to be delirious with joy at the passing of another year. Seasick Steve probably hadn't got anything better to do, either in October or December, and looked genuinely pleased to be there, if a little nonplussed that Kylie didn't want to dance with
him on the stroke of midnight. (Especially as it was probably only 3.00 in the afternoon). Predictions for the coming year were carefully worded so as not to let the cat out of the bag, but one clanger slipped through, when Beverly Knight expressed a wish that Led Zeppelin would reform in 2008, their comeback concert having taken place only a week before. I expect they thought by this time everyone would be so happily sloshed that they wouldn't care. By the time the dreaded pipers came on (no-one is safe from the tartan terrors on Hogmanay) the oatcakes were tasting decidedly stale.
The rest of the BBC's New Year's Eve viewing was a series of repeats. Not even repeats that are worth watching, like the Morecambe and Wise Christmas special with Andre Previn. Oh no, a repeat of "Extras" from two nights ago. And a repeat of Buzzcocks or something from the previous night. And something about the Spice Girls which was mildly entertaining only by virtue of not being a repeat. It hasn't ended with New Year either. For the last two nights - AT THE SAME HOUR - we have had to endure Three Men in Another Boat - and it's on again tonight!! Do they think we have the memory of goldfish, or what? If it's not those other two blokes on motor bikes shouting to each other through headphones it's three comics shouting at each other on a boat. If I was a licence payer I'd be firing off a letter to Points of View every day.
The BBC is worrying me. BBC World is turning into BBC America. Prices of everything are now given in dollars. And the other day they had to append a short explanation to the term "Boxing Day". The format already mimics that of Sky News. Next thing you know, they'll be serving Budweiser in the Queen Vic the nurses in Holby City will be running around in pyjamas, and Robin Hood will have an American accent. Ye gods, is nothing sacred?
For anyone who was also disappointed by the televisual dross offered up on New Year's Eve and since then, I invite you to sit back with a plate of Norwegian smoked salmon and mascarpone on toast and enjoy 10 minutes of the best, IMHO, Christmas viewing ever broadcast. This is how it's done.
1. Jools Holland's Hootenanny is not broadcast live.
2. Smoked salmon with mascarpone cheese is a marriage made in heaven.
The truth about Jools Holland had been revealed to me only that day by a comment on Flying Rodent's blog. I dismissed it as an irrelevance. By midnight (11 p.m. in UK), I calculated, I would be so happily sloshed that I wouldn't care. I was wrong. I wasn't that sloshed. Now I knew the truth, everything Jools said to his self-conscious audience gave the game away. His time-checks were deliberately vague. I should have realized that Kylie, Sir Paul McCartney and Dr Who would have had better things to do on Hogmanay than to spend it in a draughty BBC studio sipping blackcurrant juice and pretending to be delirious with joy at the passing of another year. Seasick Steve probably hadn't got anything better to do, either in October or December, and looked genuinely pleased to be there, if a little nonplussed that Kylie didn't want to dance with
him on the stroke of midnight. (Especially as it was probably only 3.00 in the afternoon). Predictions for the coming year were carefully worded so as not to let the cat out of the bag, but one clanger slipped through, when Beverly Knight expressed a wish that Led Zeppelin would reform in 2008, their comeback concert having taken place only a week before. I expect they thought by this time everyone would be so happily sloshed that they wouldn't care. By the time the dreaded pipers came on (no-one is safe from the tartan terrors on Hogmanay) the oatcakes were tasting decidedly stale.The rest of the BBC's New Year's Eve viewing was a series of repeats. Not even repeats that are worth watching, like the Morecambe and Wise Christmas special with Andre Previn. Oh no, a repeat of "Extras" from two nights ago. And a repeat of Buzzcocks or something from the previous night. And something about the Spice Girls which was mildly entertaining only by virtue of not being a repeat. It hasn't ended with New Year either. For the last two nights - AT THE SAME HOUR - we have had to endure Three Men in Another Boat - and it's on again tonight!! Do they think we have the memory of goldfish, or what? If it's not those other two blokes on motor bikes shouting to each other through headphones it's three comics shouting at each other on a boat. If I was a licence payer I'd be firing off a letter to Points of View every day.
The BBC is worrying me. BBC World is turning into BBC America. Prices of everything are now given in dollars. And the other day they had to append a short explanation to the term "Boxing Day". The format already mimics that of Sky News. Next thing you know, they'll be serving Budweiser in the Queen Vic the nurses in Holby City will be running around in pyjamas, and Robin Hood will have an American accent. Ye gods, is nothing sacred?
For anyone who was also disappointed by the televisual dross offered up on New Year's Eve and since then, I invite you to sit back with a plate of Norwegian smoked salmon and mascarpone on toast and enjoy 10 minutes of the best, IMHO, Christmas viewing ever broadcast. This is how it's done.
14 comments:
Andre Previn! What a joy to see that old baton wielder And now he's Woody Allen's father-in-law. There's a lesson in that for all of us.
Ha! Now you've made me feel like the rat that tells everyone the truth about Santa.
For I exposed the very same Jools the next day.
I knew he recorded it earlier because he told us so a year or two ago. I kept it to myself but told everyone in the pub on the first because I was tired and grumpy. What a beast I am.
Have a tremendous year, I feel strongly that you will.
Glad to see that you're on solids, Daphnee.
I had cheap Asda smoked salmon and Philly on brown bagel on Thursday night. Tasted ok with a couple of glasses of bubbly.
Missed Jools on NY's eve. Some of us have to entertain others.
GB, I love the way he remains totally deadpan all the way through the sketch. He did a trailer for the show where he was dressed as a London bus conductor standing on the platform of a routemaster, and said, deadpan: "I worked with Morecambe and Wise and look what happened to me". Those were the days, when the director of the LSO was a popular household name.
Doc, I know you, Flying Rodent, Farty et. al. are part of a dastardly Scottish plot to get the White Heather Club back on our screens at New Year's. I hope you do get your independence, and we Sassenachs can be free of Scottish cultural imperialism for good.
Cream, try mascarpone instead of Philly, it's got a sweetness that contrasts beautifully with the saltiness of the salmon. Be grateful you've got someone to entertain on New Year's Eve. The McChe of McChe stood me up. Luckily my imaginary friend, George Clooney, was there to keep me company.
Love it, I missed some of the one liners the first time round so many years ago. Classic!
Yes, I found out about Jools being two weeks previous. It wasn't the same.
Well they had different people to last year for a start.
Happy New Year old gurl!
Smoked marlin is the thing, mmm mm mmmm. Well, it was when I lived in the Caribbean.
Daphne, if George Clooney lets you down try James Murray.
Oh my oh my.
Oh my.
Previn really played his part to a tee. Marvellous stuff. I liked that the orchestra seemed to having a really genuinely good time too - as if Eric and Ernie and Andre hadn't rehearsed the thing to death first.
And thanks for introducing me to Seasick Steve. He's the mutt's marbles, that one.
Another illusion shattered - bloody Jools! I think you could be an embryonic Miss Marple (I owe you one for the Queen Mum:))
As for TV - thank God for 'Sense and Sensibility'.
Previn should have it written in his contract that he never is shot in profile when he looks like Peter Sellars playing Richard the ?
The salmon sounds lovely. I had some over the holiday - not smoked - which was crying out for a caper or something flavourful.
Eric and Ernie- they don't make 'em like that any more.
Ah I still love the BBC. No matter how tacky and americanised they still have Friday Night comedy on Radio 4
Not being able to view video at work (what do they think I'm going to do? Oh, well - I suppose they have a point) I took an educated guess that it'd be Eric and Ern. Sheer quality.
As for the woeful state of the BBC, "don't get me started" as our American cousins would cry. Strictly Come Dancing, The X-Factor (or whatever it is the beeb have), the stupid and pointless lookalike show, Holby City, Casualty and nine-and-a-half hours of Eastenders does not constitute quality and/or innovative programming.
Where do I sign the petition?
Brom, some guests turn up like a bad penny every year (Arthur Smith has been there two years running). One suspects they would be there even if it was the real Hogmanay.
GG, James Murray is a fine young man, but the great thing about imaginary friends is, they NEVER let you down. Sometimes I give George a night off and invite Paolo Nutini round.
Sam, Steve is playing in Brussels on the 21st, I'm sorely tempted to go see him and the Mississippi Drum Machine.
Pat: "Another Illusion Shattered" will be the title of my autobiography. And when they're all in splinters on the floor, you turn into a Freelance ...
Cynic. BBC Radio Comedy is a national treasure. If they ever axe "Just a Minute" I'll leave the country. Oh ... just a minute ...
Tom, you cheapskate, get yourself online from home. It would also give you an alternative to the dismal fare on the box.
Personally, I'm enamoured of the BBCs
buy-a-house/improve-your-garden/sell-a-piece-of-tat/cook-a-meal/and-a-costume-drama-cos-we-is-well-culture-and-it's-in-our-charter-so-we-have-to
policy.
It's the televisual equivalent of the Sunday lifestyle supplements. Pretty dang cheap too, except those costume drama things (ex-East-Enders stars aren't free).
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I fled Embra to get away from Leon what's-his-face off the X Factor, though I needn't have worried, as he was struck down with lazyitis.
You're right - BBC has been crap for a while now. You should refuse to pay your li- oh.
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