As followers of this blog will know, every four years, with my German friends in the KNOB*, I participate in EUROTRUMP, the European Oompah Band championships. This is always a mad affair, with bands from all over Europe competing for the hallowed Golden Euphonium, which they are allowed to take home and display for four years. It's a bit like a mini Edinburgh Tattoo without the bagpipes or kilts.
This time it was in Paris, which was a nostalgic experience for me, having lived there for a number of years in my younger days, when I was an exotic dancer at the Folies Bergère. The theme was marching bands. Brass bands, or 'fanfares', are an institution in France, particularly with universities which each have a 'fanfare' often performing in markets and festivals, playing modern hits in a disorganized and carefree way, sporting wigs and silly clothes. The south-west of France with its Spanish influence has a great tradition of the 'banda', which has echoes of the Spanish bullfight bands. The current All-European Oompah Champions are French, rather modernistic, trying to change the image of European oompah by integrating hip-hop, grunge and bhangra into their repertoire. However, there were rumblings that the fans wanted a return to old school trumping and to stop all this fusion nonsense.
As readers will know, I play the humble triangle in the KNOB*, having stepped in at the last minute several years ago to replace Bert, my wurstwhile fancy man. I also provide the 'totty' element, dressing up in a dirndl with a vertiginous décolleté. Being of a modest demeanour, I try to hide behind the triangle, and sometimes wish they had given me the sousaphone. Bert has now gone back to the Fatherland and launched his own oompah ensemble, and was also competing - against us!
This time it was in Paris, which was a nostalgic experience for me, having lived there for a number of years in my younger days, when I was an exotic dancer at the Folies Bergère. The theme was marching bands. Brass bands, or 'fanfares', are an institution in France, particularly with universities which each have a 'fanfare' often performing in markets and festivals, playing modern hits in a disorganized and carefree way, sporting wigs and silly clothes. The south-west of France with its Spanish influence has a great tradition of the 'banda', which has echoes of the Spanish bullfight bands. The current All-European Oompah Champions are French, rather modernistic, trying to change the image of European oompah by integrating hip-hop, grunge and bhangra into their repertoire. However, there were rumblings that the fans wanted a return to old school trumping and to stop all this fusion nonsense.
As readers will know, I play the humble triangle in the KNOB*, having stepped in at the last minute several years ago to replace Bert, my wurstwhile fancy man. I also provide the 'totty' element, dressing up in a dirndl with a vertiginous décolleté. Being of a modest demeanour, I try to hide behind the triangle, and sometimes wish they had given me the sousaphone. Bert has now gone back to the Fatherland and launched his own oompah ensemble, and was also competing - against us!
Paris was perhaps not the best choice of venue, as it is difficult to parade through the streets of the Latin Quarter in the rush hour. We were performing in the Maison de la Mutualité, former crucible of revolutionary socialism. The inaugural congress of the French socialist party took place here in 1946, Jacques Brel played in 1961, and more importantly, The Kinks in 1965. As befits French champagne socialism, there was a 3-Michelin starred restaurant in the building.
In homage to the history of the building, the KNOB* decided to choreograph an entry reflecting the history of the people's struggle. My visit in July to the People's History Museum in Manchester was the source of much useful material, and with the help of some lady friends who are nifty with a needle and thread, we made a magnificent banner which Gerhard and Uli carried between them. This made it difficult for them to play their instruments however, needing both hands, so we put one leg of the frame down each of their trouser legs. However this meant that they had to remain exactly two metres apart at all times.
I modelled my costume on a suffragette, as depicted by Glynis Johns in Mary Poppins. Our playlist comprised a medley of commie favourites such as The Red Flag, The Internationale, Ciao Bella Ciao, etc. Gerhard and Uli managed well with the banner, until it came to turning. Predictably, half way through 'Avanti Popolo!' there was the sound of ripping material, the banner collapsed in on itself, and an unscripted trombone wail ensued. Quick-thinking Eckhard and Dieter closed ranks in front of them, and I shouted "Matrix!"
Avid readers of my oeuvre will remember this was a dance routine I used to perform at the Folies with my old hoofer pals Dolores Entwhistle and Orinoco Flo McCluskey and which, ironically, I last performed in 2005 in this very city. The KNOB went into the well-rehearsed hatband formation, which admittedly makes marching quite difficult, but managed to finish the number and get off stage with their dignity intact. Needless to say, we did not finish in the top five.
Avid readers of my oeuvre will remember this was a dance routine I used to perform at the Folies with my old hoofer pals Dolores Entwhistle and Orinoco Flo McCluskey and which, ironically, I last performed in 2005 in this very city. The KNOB went into the well-rehearsed hatband formation, which admittedly makes marching quite difficult, but managed to finish the number and get off stage with their dignity intact. Needless to say, we did not finish in the top five.
The British DID mention the war, of course. After all the WW1 and Battle of Britain commemorations, they sent a marching band dressed as Dad's Army to perform a medley of wartime favourites, which elicited a walk out by half the Italians and Germans in the audience. Bert wagged a finger at me from the wings. He was on next.
'Marching band' was always going to be a problem for the Germans, and I gave Bert full marks for stepping up to the plate. Those of you who have followed this blog for many years might remember that Bert has an ego somewhat bigger than Jean-Claude Juncker's and it was no surprise when he produced a totally over-the-top extravaganza of operatic proportions. Also, everybody in his band appeared to be Chinese. I suspect him of a degree skulduggery since he's become national Direktor of German oompah.
The "youth" section of the competition is always fun, as the youngsters don't stick to the traditional oompah image, unless it involves black leather. These British youngsters had been practising under the Pont Alexandre III, and nearly brought the house down, I wouldn't be surprised if there's some structural damage to the bridge too. They walked off with the Best Newcomers award and their lederhosen halfway down their Calvin Kleins.
The best entries by far in my book were from the Alps: the fabulous Austrians Mnozill Brass, who did a whole comedy/dance routine with brass instruments. Their footwork was as good as their fingerwork. And the Swiss blew everybody away with the unconventional Kadebostany: Heidi's certainly grown up!
In the end it was the Italians wot won it. An ensemble called Il Padrone from Trieste recreated an old-school Italian funeral march, and gave us a selection of Morricone and Nino Rota favourites. They played the mafia theme to the hilt, all dressed in pinstripe suits and even placed a non-playing member of the band behind each judge with a violin case. Hilarious!
After the victory celebrations, we were treated to a cocktail and a video of Il Padrone's greatest gigs.
The room dispersed quite quickly after this, after a number of fans came to kiss the hand of Il Dottore, the leader of the winning band. You're going to hear a lot more European oompah in the coming years, I feel. We have ways of making you listen. Trump softly, love, and check under your duvet before you turn in for the night.
I, for one, welcome our new Italian champions. No more Mr Nice Guys.
*Kurt Nachtnebel Oompah Band
