Milady Esmeralda de Wayne de la Bough ended her performance with a flourish. The crowd went wild. Quasi McModo hirpled round with the hat, collecting a total of two sous, a button and an out of date luncheon voucher. He infiltrated the crowd while Milady did her extended thank-you speech and dipped a few unsuspecting pockets. His second haul wasn't much better. He was just extracting a wallet from a back pocket when a firm hand appeared from nowhere and gripped his wrist.
"Put that back," came a gruff voice. Quasi looked up with his best 'it wasnae me' face. Two flinty blue eyes glared down at him.
"Please, sir .... " he whined.
"Please sir nothing." the stranger growled back. "What is your name, boy?"
"Er .... Oliver Twist, sir."
"LIAR!" bellowed the man. "You are Baldrick McModo, known as Quasi! Don't you remember me?"
Quasi squinted up at him. "Er ... dad?" he ventured. It was worth a try.
"Sacrebleu, please God my loins should never sire a whelp like this!" spluttered the stranger. "Think back, McModo. You have seen my face before, I'll wager."
Quasi squinted harder, although as he only had one eye, he couldn't squint too much or he wouldn't see anything.
"Come tae think of it, ye dae look familiar .... "
The man started to move away, still gripping Quasi's wrist.
"Where are we going, sir?" whined Quasi.
"Here on the steps of the Cathedral, a beggar woman found you and saved your life. She took you to the orphanage where you grew up. I was the director of that orphanage. My portrait was at the top of the stairs. I am your benefactor. I have watched you from afar."
He paused, for dramatic effect,
"My name is Jean Valjean Magwitch". .
"JEAN VALJEAN MAGWITCH!" repeated Quasi, for dramatic effect. "Why, you're the man whose portrait was at the top of the stairs in the orphanage!"
"Indeed I am, child." said the stranger, looking more like Kenneth Branagh by the minute. "I hoped that you would educate yourself and pull yourself out of the gutter. But I see my efforts were in vain."
He glanced towards the Parvis de Notre Dame, where Milady was taking a final bow.
"Who is that woman?" he asked, with a furrowed brow.
"Och, that's Lady Esmeralda. I work for her." replied Quasi.
"Take me to her!" commanded Valjean Magwitch. "This woman must have a heart of gold. And her legs aren't bad either."
Milady saw Quasi approaching, dangling from the clenched fist of the well dressed stranger. She adjusted her decollete, and flashed a radiant smile.
"And who have we here?" she cried, rattling her tambourine. "Good morrow, milord. Have you come to take down my particulars?"
Valjean Magwitch met her eyes unblinkingly. "Madame," he began, taking her hand and brushing it with his lips.
Milady curtseyed prettily. "Charmed, I'm sure," she responded. "Have we had the pleasure, Squire?"
"No, and we've not met before either," responded Valjean Magwitch. "But I know who you are, Milady."
Esmeralda raised an eyebrow. "Do you now?"
"You are Gladys Eliza Doolittle Perkins of Wapping!" he boomed. Milady turned pale and faltered slightly.
"How can you .... how is it ..... " she stammered, clutching her throat.
"My dearest friend, the linguistics professor Dr Benjamin East, had a wager with me many years ago that he could turn a guttersnipe into a lady. He picked up a simple market girl and taught her to speak the King's English. He dressed her in fine gowns, taught her table manners, and turned her into a refined lady. He took her to the races and to diplomatic parties. He even changed her name, to Esmeralda. She was his model student, she fooled them all. Nobody suspected she was an urchin from the East End."
Gladys regained her composure. "Yes, and then he dumped me in the bleedin' snow!" she retorted. "When he had won his bet with you, he had no more use for me and kicked me out. I was left to support myself the only way I knew how, by dancing."
"I know," said Jean Valjean Magwitch, bowing his head, "and I regretted the way my friend treated you. I have searched high and low for you for many years, hoping that you had not fallen on hard times. At the same time I have been following the progress of this young man," he lifted Quasi up slightly by his collar, "and it is with great joy that I find my two protégés have found each other. It is a kind of serendipity."
"Aaaaooowww milord," laughed Gladys, linking arms with the top-hatted man with the shiny shoes, "I wash me face an' 'ands afore I come, I did!"
Bill Bailey breaks into cockney music ("da-da, da da-da-DAH"), and the bells of Notre Dame ring out as the crowd join the three principals in a high-kicking chorus of "Consider yerself at home".
F I N
