I am notoriously slow in embracing new technology. I only got a flatscreen TV two years ago. I only started using a mobile phone in 2000, and in 12 years I've not really progressed much in terms of model. Up until last week I was still using a basic Nokia that fits nicely in your hand and you can text with one thumb while walking along the street.
I have to admit my earlier reluctance was mostly down to fear - I didn't understand how they worked, which makes me thicker than Bubble in Ab Fab. But then I saw Aunty Marianne's new Galaxy III and I decided it was Time. I so hate to be out of the loop. And so, dear readers, I finally succumbed. I have joined the Twittering classes. But I had no idea what I was buying. Android or iPhone? Jelly Bean or Ice Cream Sandwich? Keyboard or touchscreen? How many megapixels should I have? How much should I pay? The prices ranged from 89 euros to 890 euros. How would I find my way in the digital jungle?
In the end it was a combination of advice, pinning the tail on the donkey, and the January sales. I ended up with a rather amazing piece of kit without having to take out a mortgage. The damn thing worked before I'd even put my SIM card in! It went into my Facebook and Gmail accounts and fished out all my contacts. How clever is that?
Some of my friends say my address book will now be on the FBI's Rol-a-dex, but frankly that doesn't worry me. Back in the day I was once tracked by the Libyans, because I made a passing reference to Colonel Gaddafi in a blog post. The idea of Libyan goons running around Brussels looking for a woman with a fruit basket on her head just made me chuckle.
Some say it is dangerous to be broadcasting your whereabouts at all times. As someone who just goes to work, goes home again, and occasionally goes to the supermarket, I really think the FBI might get bored with me fairly quickly. I subscribe to the philosophy "If you've got nothing to hide you've got nothing to fear". And my life is an open book, with odds of 1000-1 on me being bundled into a black limo by the Men in Black with earpieces. In fact it would rather liven things up a bit.
Hello boys
Talking of earpieces, the music player was one of the main reasons I made this purchase. I have recently started walking to work, in the interest of my health and amortizing those second-hand Karrimor walking shoes I got in a Sue Ryder shop last summer, and the 45 minute march is made much more pleasant by a bit of thrash metal. My cheap old mp3 player was very unreliable, and in the early days I spent most of the walk fiddling with the jack trying to get sound in both ears. It was time to buy a new one, and this new phone has a fabulous music player. I can't be doing with those earbud things, they keep falling out, so I bought a pair of spiffy JVC headphones, which block out all extraneous noise and keep my ears warm on cold days. They make me look a bit like Colin from Spooks but that may serve to confuse the blokes from the FBI who are following along in the black limo.
I'm walking backwards to Spart Towers
I now go bouncing off to work each morning with Nirvana or AC/DC blasting out through my cans. Some tunes are better than others as a walking aid. Michael Jackson is not too good, as moonwalking backwards can double the time it takes to get to work, not to mention frightening people in the street when I grab my crotch and go "Oooh!". 120 bpm (beats per minute) is the optimal rhythm for walking at a brisk pace. By the time I get to the uphill bit I've zoned out so sail up it on a cloud of Nigerian Afrobeat. Bouncing downhill through a snow-covered park to the rhythms of Fela Kuti was one of the high points of last week. As a result I now get to the office full of beans and dancing. Everybody wins!
This phone also has a projector. Now you might think this is a bit of superfluous gadgetry, but you never know when the urge to make a powerpoint presentation is going to strike. I've also found that it will project anything you're looking at on a flat surface up to 3 metres away. And you can stream videos. So in the summer I'll be able to watch EastEnders while sitting in the garden with a Pimms. I could turn Gorbals into a human screen and project George Clooney onto him. The possibilities are endless.
But you know what? I can't text with one hand while walking.
Pfffft.
