BLOGGING: THE NEW PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT?

Blogging is a funny old game, as Margaret Thatcher might have said. As a form of social interaction, it is becoming more popular than going to the pub. This suggests that the most enthusiastic bloggers are at best a bit shy, at worst raving antisocial psychopaths. Blogging is to socializing what texting is to talking on the phone. It's driving to work with no passengers, as opposed to being crushed and asphyxiated on public transport. It's paying to use the M6 toll road as opposed to sitting bumper to bumper at spaghetti junction. It's lying on your sofa listening to your iPod versus standing up for hours at a rock concert. It's staying in with a box of Belgian chocolates and a George Clooney DVD versus standing half an hour in the rain outside the cinema only to find the only seats left are in the front row. It's only a matter of time before you will risk an ASBO for writing a blog. However, it's an understandably compelling activity, and here are just ten reasons why it can be preferable to going out:

1. You can do it in your PJs. Not that I ever do, of course. I always blog in ball gown and tiara.

2. Nobody can interrupt you. They might stop reading halfway through (or before), but they have to form an orderly queue to leave comments. The equivalent of holding forth to a roomful of gagged people, then ungagging them one by one to hear their reactions. And then gagging them again. If only ... equally, you don't have to pretend to sound interested in someone else blathering on for hours. You can listen to the sweet sound of your own voice and never read another blog if you so wish. Blogging etiquette say, if you don't like another blog you don't comment and just don't go there again, whereas in a pub you'd shove your pint in someone's face.

3. Weather makes no difference. Unless it's a weather blog.

4. You can picture other bloggers as you wish to, or portray yourself as who/whatever you want, with no fear of being exposed. Gorilla Bananas has a huge female fan club. Some of his fans think he's human! Fancy ....

5. You won't get beer spilled over you – well not by anyone else anyway. But eating a bowl of cornflakes over the keyboard is nox xo be advised, as I have jusx found oux.

6. You don't have to worry about missing the last train, or finding a taxi home. But if you drink and blog, you might have trouble distinguishing your pillow from your keyboard.

7. You won't get kicked out at midnight. (Unless you're in a cybercafe).

8. You can smoke. (Unless you're in a cybercafe). In fact, it's not a good idea to blog from a cybercafe, blogging is a solitary pleasure that is not enhanced by screaming kids playing video games or dirty old men in raincoats panting.

9. It's nearly free. If you stay off YouTube. (Pat!)

10. There is no such thing as a blogging hangover.

Brussels « blogmeets » have not really taken off, as they turned out to be raucous drunken affairs rather below the dignity of laydees such as Aunty Marianne and moiself, although I gather Scouse Doris enjoyed herself immensely. I think some of us were disappointed to find that Quarsan wasn't really a twat.

Tags and memes are for the faint-hearted. Blogging isn't about finding out about others, it's about telling the world about you. It is essentially an activity for self-obsessed, narcissistic people who would prefer a night in with a porn movie and a box of tissues to waking up in the morning minus their beer goggles and finding Shane McGowan/Shirley from Eastenders* in their bed. As somebody once said: « It's like having your own magazine. » Somebody I know has their own magazine AND a blog (you know who you are).

It seems to have gone rather quiet. Hello ... ? Is there anybody out there ... ?

Oh sod this, I'm off to the pub.

* delete whichever turns you off least