THE ONLY WAY IS UP

Today is Ascension Day, a holiday in most of Catholic and not-so-Catholic Europe. We get a day off work, and it's usually contrived to fall on a Tuesday or a Thursday, so we can make the "bridge" and get a four-day weekend. I shall be ascending into the heavens myself on Friday courtesy of Iberia. Over the years I have overcome my fear of flying by repeating the mantra "I trust the man, I trust the machine" -- the man being the pilot. I was a little disconcerted once on a LOT flight where the pilot turned out to be a lady. A number of male passengers in my vicinity discreetly crossed themselves.

Not many people have a clue what the Ascension feast day represents. It is about Our Lord Jesus Christ physically rising up into the sky to join his Father in Heaven, causing great surprise to the Apostles, even doubting Thomas, who thought he'd seen it all and bought the T-shirt. The things some people will do to get out of paying the bill. They say what comes up must come down, but to this day, despite manifold promises, OLJC has not come down again.

In these irreligious times, the Church needs to broaden its appeal by celebrating everything that ascends. The festivities would involve fireworks shooting up into the sky, and people could decorate lifts, ladders, and staircases with flowers and ribbons. The symbol would be the arrow, and congregations could join together in singing "Stairway to Heaven", while a team of archers fired arrows into the sky trailing silver ribbons.


Any sport involving elevation would become a sacred and religious activity on Ascension Day, and high-jumpers, pole-vaulters, and rock climbers would be feted and appear on a special edition of A Question of Sport. Mountains and hills would become places of pilgrimage, and Arthur's Seat would be besieged by the faithful, filing religiously to the top singing "Nearer my God to Thee".


Popular songs extolling the joys of ascent would become hymns, such as "Get on up (like a sex machine)", "Higher and higher", "Up up and away" and "Come fly with me". Richard Branson would become the High Priest for a day and would fly over England in a hot air balloon. Competitions would be held all over the home counties for the most original way of ascending into the sky. NASA would make a commemorative launch bearing celebrities who would broadcast from space. Paris Hilton in zero gravity would be something to see.

Oh it's really taking shape now. I'm writing to the Vatican immediately offering my services as spin doctor and events coordinator. If you can think of any other events that would make New Ascension Day a popular festival and bring people flocking back to the Church, please let me know. I'll make sure your name is put into the hat (or mitre) as a candidate for sainthood.

In the meantime, let's help to celebrate New Ascension Day by Getting Up something today!