Glorious Daphnevision

Cue the Alleluiah Chorus. After some two months without internet access from home, I am finally reunited with my blogging tackle. I won't tell you how I've been managing to maintain my high standards throughout the wilderness months, but it's been reminiscent of a Cold War spy novel at times, dead disk drops and whatnot. I can finally hang up my false nose and beard, and blog happily away into the wee small hours from the comfort of my own home.

I am not one to bite the hand that feeds me, and there's nothing worse than an immigrant ungraciously slagging off the host country. But frankly, readers, I'm a bit disappointed with Brussels. I'd thought that the nerve centre of Europe, where we're all working to "make Europe the most competitive and dynamic knowledge-based economy in the world" (to quote the Lisbon Agenda, with which you are all of course familiar) might be a little more, er, competitive and dynamic. Brussels has a timeless quality, a bit like old re-runs of Dr Who. Parts of the city are horribly dated and run down, such as the Central Station, which is woefully in need of renovation. And the Services Directive (or "Bolkestein" as we Eurocrats refer to it, as in "it's a load of old Bolkestein") would have got off to a better start if anyone here had some understanding of the word "Service". With the forceful trade unions, high unemployment and surly attitudes, it's reminiscent of Britain in the 1970s.

But I don't want to be unfair in my criticism. In the past month or so, reports have been published in UK which declare Great Britain to have the most obese citizens in Europe, the most teenage pregnancies in Europe and the worst-behaved teenagers in Europe. There is probably one coming out soon which will prove that the Pope is a Catholic. Anyone who has lived in UK in recent years will not be surprised by any of these reports.

If you have access to BBC World anywhere on the globe you will be exposed to reality shows from UK which will make you hang your head in shame. “How clean is your house?”, “Life of Grime” etc. show Britain and its citizens to be filthy. Documentaries about the unhappy lot of the policeman provide a terrifying view of British town centres on a Saturday night, the streets awash with binge-drinking and projectile-vomiting spotty youf being courteously cautioned by long-suffering police officers (on camera, at least – I bet the truncheons came out as soon as the camera was switched off!). And these programmes are documentaries. i.e. Not Made Up. Add to that comedy inventions such as Vicky Pollard, and it becomes clear that the BBC is not working hand-in-hand with the British Tourist Authority. And I don’t even watch ITV. I daren’t.

The situational dramas are not much better. Anyone facing surgery had better switch off when “Holby City” is on, unless you are partial to doctors with drug, sex and gambling addictions and a propensity to transplant animal organs into humans. “Casualty” is no better – the doctors and nurses spend more time getting drunk at parties and discussing their complicated love lives than caring for their patients.

These programmes are being beamed across the globe. Have we no shame? If it’s some covert attempt to deter would-be immigrants, it’s targeting the wrong viewers: the undesirables are not likely to be able to afford satellite TV. Unfortunately, these damning indictments of UK society are being watched by the wealthier middle classes who might be the sort of free-spending tourist Britain does need. The TV companies are only interested in UK ratings, but have not taken on board the wider implications of advertising British social malaise across the world.

Should we be telling it like it is, or telling it like we want it to be? What are we effectively saying to the world at large? “Here we are, warts and all, take us as you find us", and in the words of St Bob of Geldof, that great role model: "if you don’t like it, feck off” ? (Pardon my French) Should we not rather be saying: “This is a total fiction but if there’s one thing we British have always done superbly, it’s hypocrisy” ?

I think it is time to do away with all this reality and revert to a televisual portrayal of our country which depicts a nation of pride, integrity and rounded vowels, to set an example for the great unwashed and maintain our dignity on the world stage. Even if it isn’t true. Whatever you might think about Eastenders, you will notice that because of the watershed there is never any bad language. It’s not realistic – people in the East End of London swear like troopers. But that’s not the point. It is a modern morality tale and some of the more stalwart female characters such as Dot Cotton, Peggy Mitchell and Pat Evans teach us valuable lessons about Christian faith and forgiveness, familial loyalty, and redemption of fallen women. I’d just make them all speak nicer. Annie Walker, the former landlady of the Rover’s Return in Coronation Street, was famously well spoken. As for “lifestyle” programmes, the popularity of Jamie Oliver and Ainsley Harriott did not prevent the creation of the deep-fried Mars Bar. The hoi polloi care not a fig for lemongrass and rocket, and, er, figs, what they need is good nourishing home-made pies! Away with pretentious Mockney chefs and bring back our Fanny! Scrap Emmerdale and put The Archers on the small screen. Let’s do away with all this negative publicity about the true face of Britain, and bring back edifying programming such as The Forsyte Saga, Dixon of Dock Green, Emergency Ward 10, the Billy Cotton Bandshow, the test card and the National Anthem at the end of the day’s viewing. We could put it all back into black and white while we're at it.

In fact, Britain should be more like Belgium.