CALENDAR GIRLS AND BOYS

Every time I try to write a witty and entertaining post it ends up going all preachy and political. Perhaps I should start a new, serious blog. What should I call it? "STOP TEXTING WHILE I'M TALKING TO YOU" would be the general gist. Answers on a postcard please ....

As for Mr Griffin's performance on Question Time, I'm not going to dwell on it except to say two things: (1) He was rubbish, thank God, and (2) How stupid do you have to be to admit to being friends with the head of a "non-violent" branch of the Ku Klux Klan when you're sitting next to the feistiest black woman this side of Winnie Mandela? A great foot in mouth moment. It was nearly her foot in his mouth.

Bonnie Greer - beautiful, black and boy has she got balls

Anyway, I've had this idea. About getting a Bloggers' Calendar printed up for Christmas. No, not naked. Savannah has already agreed to be Miss June. Mr Coppens of Canadia will be Mr January. I'll be Miss February, carnival time. I'm waiting for some more replies via Facebook, but here's my first suggestion: this is how they organise conferences in Brussels - put the participants on the programme first then invite them to say no.

I feel inhabited by the spirit of Annie Leibowitz (yes I know she's not dead yet) and I may call in Mr Kim Ayres, society photographer, to help me pose the subjects in scenes from classic movies.

JANUARY

Donn Coppens and Lulu LaBonne in Rose Marie

FEBRUARY

Daphne Wayne-Bough and Crabtree as Eliza Doolittle
and Professor Higgins in 'My Fair Lady'


MARCH

Dr M and Mrs P as Jack Lemmon and Lee Remick
in 'Days of Wine and Roses'

APRIL
Gorilla Bananas as Yul Brynner in The King and I

MAYGyppo Byard as Al Capone in The St Valentine's Day Massacre
(Wait a minute ... that IS Gyppo Byard!!)



JUNE

Savannah and Jimmy Bastard as Bonnie and Clyde



JULY
Gadjo Dilo and Madame Defarge as Fred and Ginger in Strictly Top Hat


AUGUST
Scarlet and Guyana Gyal as Marilyn Monroe and Jane
Russell in Gentlemen prefer Blondes

SEPTEMBER
Kevin Musgrove as Bill Sykes in "Oliver!"
(with Mutley the Dog as Bullseye)

OCTOBERNo Good Boyo as a sailor on the Potemkin.


NOVEMBERPat and Inkspot as Ilsa and Rick in 'Casablanca'

DECEMBER
Kim Ayres as Kris Kringle in 'Miracle on 34th Street'

GAY GORDONS

OK, maybe that wasn't such a great idea after all, especially when the Beeb is rattling its tin for Children in Need. Empathy fatigue can get to the best of us.

Inkspot was pondering the other week on the reasons for homosexuality. He thought it might have to do with a classical education. Greeks and Romans were notoriously ambidextrous when it came to the bedroom. They also wore togas. Which begs the question, is it the wearing of skirts in early life that makes a man swing both ways, if you follow me?

Are there more gay men, proportionate to the population, in Scotland than in the rest of Europe? And if so, why? Could it be the prevalence of the kilt as a suitable mode of gentlemen's apparel? Or are there other reasons?

HOW CAN WE SLEEP

Do you know I was preparing a long impassioned piece about climate change and why you should care about the Campaign for Climate Justice and participate in the world's first musical petition before the Climate Conference in Copenhagen in December.

And then cause fatigue set in. So watch the video at the top to start with.

Anyway, I've noticed that the less I write, the more comments I get. So when you've watched the video at the top, put a pair of headphones on and mime along to the one at the bottom. Bob Geldof and Lily Allen are supposed to be in it but I must have blinked a couple of times.

Interesting fact (1): The song 'Beds are Burning' was written, and originally performed, by the Australian band Midnight Oil, whose singer, Peter Garrett, is now Australian Minister for the Environment! How cool is that?

Possibly interesting fact (2): Vincent Perez, dishy Frenchman who appears in this video, used to date Carla Bruni and is now stepdad to Gérard Depardieu's son.

If you want to download the tune and in so doing add your signature to the petition going to Copenhagen asking for a robust agreement to replace the Kyoto Protocol which runs out in 2012, you can do it here.

ONE SMALL DROP FOR MANKIND

I shall overcome my excitement over Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize to tell you about the global online event going out tonight, starring all your old eco-favourites - Al Gore, U2, Peter Gabriel, Yann Arthus-Bertrand, the Cirque du Soleil. This is the reason that Guy Laliberté, founder of the Cirque du Soleil, is up in the space station at the moment, not just because he's a very rich clown who can treat himself to a holiday in space. It kicks off at 8pm EDT (New York time - 2 am in London) and is being broadcast online. So if you're still up and about in the middle of the night, fire up your 'pooter and join the party.

NASA crashed its LCROSS mission into the moon's surface this morning in an attempt to find water, which is certainly not coincidental. Why haven't this event and the organisation behind it not been given more publicity? There has been no coverage on British or French TV of the One Drop Foundation or the worldwide online event this evening. We should be told!

Scrumpy, my eco-warrior friend, practises what he preaches. He saves an enormous amount of water by not washing. It's a sacrifice, but somebody's gotta do it. I urge you to conserve water, unlike this inconsiderate woman:

THE CURSE OF 'ALLO 'ALLO

Whoops I did it again, in the words of someone or other. Not content with wishing the Princess of Wales into oblivion and seeing my wish fulfilled within a few hours, I've managed to cause Petite Anglaise to cease blogging within a couple of days of being featured on my blog. I had no sooner taken an interest in Wham! than I learned they had split up. I am beginning to think I am a witch. I daren't mention anyone else for fear of prosecution.




On the other hand, I could use my powers to rid the world of noxious influences. You've heard of the Curse of Hello - many people who've sold their souls, I mean wedding pictures, to Hello Magazine have divorced. For a small fee I could feature someone you would like to see disappeared, and strike them down with the Curse of 'Allo. One word from me, and they'll be up the Alma tunnel without a safety belt.

For the moment it only seems to work on blonde females, but I'll practice over the weekend and see if I can expand my range. If I can't get rid of them, I know a man who can.