Still hanging by a thread 
Belgium, as you know, is divided into three autonomous regions - Flanders, Wallonia and Brussels. Flanders is Dutch-speaking and represents about 60% of the population of Belgium. Wallonia is French-speaking and represents about 30%. Brussels is in theory bilingual, but de facto French-speaking, and represents about 10% of the Belgian population, of which almost 40% are Eurocrats or native speakers of other languages.
It's complicated a bit by Brussels being geographically an island in the middle of Dutch-speaking Flanders and also being the capital of Flanders. But basically, the problem is that Flanders wants to absorb Brussels, with its high-profile European institutions, failing which it threatens to go for total independence, although in that case it would presumably have to accept to move the capital to Antwerp. A pure case of "if I can't keep the ball I don't want to play any more".
If Flanders breaks away, effectively forcing Wallonia to become a reluctant independent state too (think Czechoslovakia), the King will have no Belgians left to reign over and will have to go into exile. Portugal is quite accommodating to exiled kings. Brussels would become a landlocked city-state, which might be no bad thing, since it can get rid of the archaic and stupid web of regulations designed by the Francophones and the Dutch-speakers to tie each other up in knots, and start afresh.
The first thing to do would be to find a new King. A possible choice would be Jose Manuel Barroso, current President of the Commission and very well preserved man for his age (52). with a regal demeanor. His job is up for grabs in 2011, which would fit in quite well. He hails from Portugal, but would obviously have to become a naturalized citizen of Brussels. Perhaps he could do a house swap with King Albert. Brussels would obviously become officially English speaking, thereby causing great annoyance to the French, and Peter Mandelson may have to be discouraged from applying for the position of Queen. What should a citizen of the new anglophone Brussels should be called - a Brusseler? Brussellian? Brussie?
On the other hand, perhaps it might be a better idea to parachute in a real blue blood, as the British did back in 1830 with Leopold I von Saxe-Coburg. And who better than someone with a truly noble European pedigree dating back to George II of England, who was schooled in Brussels, and is related to most of the royal houses in Europe? The perfect man for the job.
It's complicated a bit by Brussels being geographically an island in the middle of Dutch-speaking Flanders and also being the capital of Flanders. But basically, the problem is that Flanders wants to absorb Brussels, with its high-profile European institutions, failing which it threatens to go for total independence, although in that case it would presumably have to accept to move the capital to Antwerp. A pure case of "if I can't keep the ball I don't want to play any more".
If Flanders breaks away, effectively forcing Wallonia to become a reluctant independent state too (think Czechoslovakia), the King will have no Belgians left to reign over and will have to go into exile. Portugal is quite accommodating to exiled kings. Brussels would become a landlocked city-state, which might be no bad thing, since it can get rid of the archaic and stupid web of regulations designed by the Francophones and the Dutch-speakers to tie each other up in knots, and start afresh.
The first thing to do would be to find a new King. A possible choice would be Jose Manuel Barroso, current President of the Commission and very well preserved man for his age (52). with a regal demeanor. His job is up for grabs in 2011, which would fit in quite well. He hails from Portugal, but would obviously have to become a naturalized citizen of Brussels. Perhaps he could do a house swap with King Albert. Brussels would obviously become officially English speaking, thereby causing great annoyance to the French, and Peter Mandelson may have to be discouraged from applying for the position of Queen. What should a citizen of the new anglophone Brussels should be called - a Brusseler? Brussellian? Brussie?
On the other hand, perhaps it might be a better idea to parachute in a real blue blood, as the British did back in 1830 with Leopold I von Saxe-Coburg. And who better than someone with a truly noble European pedigree dating back to George II of England, who was schooled in Brussels, and is related to most of the royal houses in Europe? The perfect man for the job.
All Hail King BoJo the First
34 comments:
As long as Vicus gets to continue insulting Bozza, let's have him!
Can you imagine what he'd be like amongst all that chocolate?
King Boris? I admit it fits better than Mayor Boris. A person from Brussels could be a Brussudlian or a Bruswegian.
That's a Romanian flag you've got flying there, Daffers!! You want to move here to Cluj-Napoca? We can cut any bureaucracy you be experiencing by half - we know a cousin of somebody who used to do the mayor's hair.
He's right you know, Daphne dahling. That's a Romanian flag, swinging under the Arc de Triumf if I'm not mistaken. I thought you were advocating Freedom for Transilvania for a minute. With Brasov as the capital. And a damn fine idea if I say so myself. Best, Vi xxx
I would call a citizen of Brussels "a sprout". It's about time the humble vegetable had its place in civic affairs. And I'm not talking about BoJo.
Now my brain hurts, as well as my sides. Sounds like King Bojo couldn't make a worse mess of it if he tried. And I love the idea of making English the official language just to piss off the French.
But BoJo would just be a familiar - which would explain the monkey attributes...
Zed, is Vicus still alive? Well let's have him as king of Brussels instead!
Autolycus, he would probably rename Brussels "Tuckshop".
Gadjo, the Mayor of London or the Mayor of Cluj? I use the same paper shop as Boris' sister-in-law, who is the BBC's Europe correspondent. If you want to play "Six Degrees", I can do Osama Bin Laden in 3. Top that.
Gadjo and Vi, you're wrong - I took that photograph myself under the Arche Cinquantenaire on the day of the "Save Belgium" demonstration. The thinness of the fabric makes the black look blue, and the wind has twisted it the wrong way round.
GB, the endive (known as a "chicon" here) is far more beloved of the Belgians than the sprout. An Endive in an enclave has a nice ring to it.
Farty, the Londoners would back him as king of Brussels. Just to get rid of him.
Goth, is that GB playing the drums? Strangest Congolese accent I've ever heard.
Oh Vicus is well and alive, continuing to slag me off and sticking up for Todd all the time.
And I think that you're quite right about the endive - perhaps children could be referred to as 'chicons'?
One defaults to a position of liking Johnson, what’s not to like? It’s just the ease with which he moves through public appointments that is suspect. A public position is somehow devalued when he occupies it. Sorry, what a bloody snob I am. It is not his genuine good humour or his faux oafishness, it’s the ease. It should be difficult and for all his undoubted intelligence and ability, one sees unseen hands at work assisting him.
I am glad he’s not a striver. Strivers are total c**ts.
Boris would be the obvious choice to front the country (as opposed to actually running it). We all know he's about as effective as a handbrake on a canoe, but he does well with the public. With him on the stamps and Barrosso actually running things, it'd work well.
And the Enlish term? Brussians, naturally. It's a small country and only a matter of time before our friends in Moscow send the tanks in to liberate us.
Tom J
Zoe, did you know "Vicus Scurra" was Latin for "village idiot" ? Chicons would work as a term for little Brussians, or perhaps for Brussian girls?
Doc, at the closing ceremony of the Beijing Olympics I was shouting at him (through the telly) to do his jacket up and keep his hands out of his pockets. Some Chinese newspapers thought he was an arrogant oaf. So it's not just us, then! I think his attitude is a form of protest at having been sent to Eton and not Hogwarts.
Tom, you've got it in one, as usual. BoJo for king of the Brussians, Bozo as his Grand Wizard, we could be the Monaco of the north!
I thought our old friend Tone was after the position of King of Europe? Mind you, he's got to bring peace to the Middle East first, which should keep him busy for the rest of the century.
I can't imagine Boris wanting to be King of a bunch of foreign sorts. Abroad is OK for a holiday, but I can't really see him wanting to live outside the Empire (what do you mean, we have to call it the Commonwealth? Preposterous!).
Mind you, it might be a good thing if he did come over and put the place to rights, at least I might then be able to get a decent cup of char. At the moment I have to smuggle Taylor's Yorkshire Tea in on the Eurostar (Tippler, if you're lurking, let me know if you need some more contraband).
Lynx, Bozza will be the first to admit he IS a foreign Johnny. If you saw him on "Ooja fink yar?" you will have heard him speaking perfect French. You do get something for your top dollar at Eton. I don't agree with Maroon that his oafishness is "faux", I think it is genuine eccentric bumbling, which I find strangely attractive. I would like to sequester him in the sanatorium and give him a good dose of castor oil.
Gourmet Foods on the rue Archimède sells PG Tips and Tetley's tea bags.
The Mayor of Cluj, Daphne dear. I love London for it's theatre, it's bustling night-life and it's chipper cab-drivers, but sadly I'm too exhausted to endure it's charms any more. I've never played that game before, but I'm pretty sure I'm three degrees away from both Prince Charles and The Beatles... but then maybe everybody is.
Anomymous Vi, thank you for your support, but Brasov could only be the capital of Transylvania if the government was run by brown bears ;-)
me me me me, me! let me be the king, I never get to be anything it's not fair :(
Daphne, I don't think he's arrogant at all, nor an oaf. Are you a speed reader by any chance? Forgive me.
Jolietjake has the right idea. Made ME smile anyway.
Jake, oh yes, I can quite see you in a silk frock coat, riding up the Rue de la Regence on an elephant, with a big Congo diamond in your turban, your laptop nestling snugly behind the elephant's ears. I see you have already been practising in London.
Maroon, I quote: "It is not his genuine good humour or his faux oafishness ..." and it was the Chinese newspapers that said he was arrogant. For God's sake, man, pull yourself together.
I beg pardon Daphne. I am naturally worried about the inevitable lurch we are about to take to the right. A conscious choice I could accept but an inertial reaction is too much. It IS all Brown's fault. If ever a man was a ball dropper...well.
We must not worry about that now.
I am worried that Cameron will play our Country the same way that Blair did. That is to say "let's put through our right wing policies without anyone noticicing, don't want to frighten the horses."
We are always so underestimated. Christ sorry Daffers, I'm a bit pissed.
It's nothing personal, I am convinced Cameron would be the best of company over a few drinks at the nearest bar, that is precicely what worries me.
Jeez, sorry again Daphne.
I'd vote for him.
Wait, do we vote for Kings?
la naissance de Bruxelles reste une énigme ??
les collines; Coudenberg, colline froide, Galgenberg, colline des potences et Treurenberg, colline du désespoir.
Whole Program!!
Cured on/Senne
The Holy-Gudule
I used to drink PG, but since they sacked the chimps I've gone off them. Then Tippler convinced me that Taylor's was a better brew, and he's actually right. Also, I would object to the exorbitant price they are bound to be charging in Schuman, in the same way as I refuse to pay £3 for a bottle of Stella in blighty - where they persist in marketing it as a premium brand (rather than the cheap tat that it really is).
To try to return to the subject of Boris, I think he's decided to adopt the "Tim Nice-But-Dim" public persona, so that people don't realise he's actually very intelligent. For some reason, being clever is not always viewed positively. Personally, if the choice of who would run the country came down to Boris or the latest muppet out of Big Bruvva I'd vote for the former, but I fear that the latter would probably prevail.
Just a parenthesis !
( The double entendre ; TROUABAL Jean-Charles ,spécialisé dans le sprint 200 mètres,Noël Mamère , ex journaliste devenu politicien ).
I'm all for Bozo the Clown as King of Belgians.
As long as I get to cut his head off.
In front of cheering crowds, on the Grande Place.
With my rusty, er, trusty Claymore.
And I get to keep the wig.
Plus 5% of merchandising.
Deal ?
P.S. I also do cut-rate Photoshop tutorials, you know you need it.
Oh but I love Brasov, Gadjo. I studied there. As you might say, e misto!
Does Cluj still have those lovely twinkly red, yellow and blue fairy lights and painted railings which were put up by the Mad Mayor when I was there?
Pupici, Vi xxx
Anomymous Vi, Buna dimineata!! You studied in Brasov? Are you Romanian or where you sent there? Gheorghe "Mad Dog" Funar is thankfully no longer mayor of Cluj - replaced by Emil "Hey, Let's Simply Repair the Roads and Please Everybody" Boc, and his Romanian flag adornments have largely gone too. Da, e misto ;-)
Maroon, cheer up old cock, at least you didn't disappear up a black hole. Oh there I go again with the double entendres ...
Welcome Jenny, all the way from Texas! In Poland they used to vote for kings. It was a way of avoiding dynasties of inbred foreigners. Like we have in England.
Crabtree, tu as sans doute vu notre Boris national à la cloture des jeux de Pékin. Il n'a vraiment pas son équivalent en France.
Lynx, you mean Tippler actually drinks something other than cider?
McRobespierre, you've already got a wig, with a tartan hat attached to it. You two could do a great execution show, with the crowd shouting to BoJo "He's behind you!"
Vi and Gadjo - what's Romanian for get a room?
Je l'ai vu , C'est que du bonheur !
A-t-il été adoubé ??
Obţineţi o camera?
xx
Gadjo, no, I am not Romanian. I was sent there. To learn Romanian. Everyone thought I was a Transilvanian German. It must have been the bottle blonde hair that did it.
I am ignoring your comment, Daphne, dahling. Frankly, me se rupe...
Vi xxxx (two for Gadjo)
Vi Hornblower (for it is she) is famous for her linguistic skills. She is not known as "shrinking" Violet. If you follow me.
Yes, I am much handier with my tongue than my hands. Daphne is right, as always. Vi xxx
I didn't know all that about Belgium.
Thanks!
:)
Post a Comment