Dream Team

Feeling a little like a fish without a bicycle since Harold boldly went over into the beyond, I ventured recently, with some trepidation, into the world of internet dating. Goodness there are some strange people on the xpats.com website aren’t there? I resisted the temptation to reply to the chap who liked it “Greek style”, the nudist and the couple looking for a third party, the lovegod looking for married women, anything involving sub or dom and those who said they were “very good-looking” (i.e. most of the rest).

The one that intrigued me most said he was looking for a woman with a Sony 150cm Ultra Plat. I thought there must be a mistake. I mean, a lady of Jordanian dimensions would hardly be deemed ultra plat. And Sony don’t make bras anyway. Turned out he was referring to the size and type of her TV screen, which along with a large sofa (for his mates), proximity to a chip shop and ownership of a brewery, is one of the principal attributes a girl needs to have if she’s going to have a man about the house at all (and keep him there) between 9th June and 9th July. And don’t even dream of him noticing you exist while that monster plasma screen is showing 22 men chasing a small white spherical object on a green background. Yes, the World Cup is upon us again. Oh joy. Last time that came around we were in Poland, the tournament was about 10 hours away, and Harold was found dancing the samba with a Brazilian ladyboy at 8.00 in the morning in the middle of Pole Mokotowskie park in Warsaw. Happy days.


On the plus side, ladies, there will be some prime beefcake on the box during the tournament. I got together with a few of the girls to put together our First XI of World Cup Willies:

• David Beckham (England): still gorgeous, and the only natural blond in the squad! ( is this right? DWB)
• Ronaldinho (Brazil): all his own teeth and hair and plenty of both!
• Thierry Henry (France): plenty of va-va-voom there!
• Raul (Spain): rhymes with drool ! (Who he? DWB)
• Theo Walcott (England): Vi’s choice, only 17 – ooh, young MAN !!
• Henrik Larssen (Sweden): Millicent Tendency’s favourite, half Scot, half Swede, all gorgeous !
• Chawki Ben Saada (Tunisia): Wouldn’t mind a date with him! (Geddit?)
• Gibril Cissé (France): Don’t let the mad hairdo fool you, he’s no sissy ! (Geddit?)
• Roque Santa Cruz (Paraguay): wouldn’t mind going on a cruise with him! (Geddit?)
• Patrik Berger (Czech Republic): A real beef-berger ! (Geddit?)
• Cesc Fabregas (Spain): Crazy name, crazy guy!

(That’s enough - Geddit? Ed.)