Sunday, April 22

CHATEAU CRAWLING IN THE LOIRE




On my recent tour of the Loire Valley I visited a number of Chateaux: my favourite was Chenonceau. Not, please note, Chenonceaux with an x which is the name of the village. Chenonceau had kitchens that would be worthy of Renaissance Masterchef.

 

Its ancient history - the rivalry between the Queen Catherine de Medici and the King's mistress Diane de Poitiers was fascinating. Diane seduced the King when he was 19 and she was 39. She became his lover, confidante, political advisor, emissary, and muse.  When he was dying of wounds inflicted during a jousting tournament, it was her colours that were tied to his lance, and her name that he called out in his dying moments, although the Court (and specifically, the Queen) refused to allow her near him.  She was exiled to the country after Henri II's death, and died aged 66. Her remains were unceremoniously chucked in the communal burial pit by the revolutionaries in 1789 but were disinterred later.  Scientists found traces of gold in her hair, which she had consumed in liquid form to preserve her beauty, and which may have ultimately killed her. 



Chenonceau also has magnificent nurseries where they grow masses of flowers which are used by their own floristry team to fashion the extravagant flower arrangements in every room. These are fresh every week, and often themed: they were all on an Easter theme when I visited.







Its more recent history is also fascinating.  The Cher river, on which the castle stands, formed the dividing line between occupied "Vichy" France and free France.  During the second world war, partisans smuggled resistance fighters into free France through the lower section of the part built across the river, under the great hall.


I attempted to stalk Sir Mick Jagger, but he seems to have camouflaged his chateau so well that I couldn't find it, despite having been driven past it some 20 years ago. The French radio teased me all day, playing Maroon 5's "Moves like Jagger" and various Stones numbers. Still, even that was better than Adele's "Someone like you" which they played every half hour. Having played all my Bai Kamara CD's several times, I tuned into Radio Nostalgie which at least didn't bang on about the French elections all the time.



Il Maestro 

Amboise is a lovely town with a fascinating castle sitting high over the Loire. It is the last resting place of Leonardo da Vinci who spent the last three years of his life there as a guest of the King. It also served as a prison for Abd el Kader, the Algerian rebel leader, who was under house arrest there from 1848 to 1852, allbeit in luxury conditions. He came with a retinue of 80 people, 25 of whom died in the four years they were resident in the cold, damp castle. They are buried in a small Moslem cemetery specially made for them, and their names are inscribed on marble slabs in French and Arabic. 



Chateau d'Azay-le-Rideau

Azay-le-Rideau is one of the fairytale castles of the Loire region, not on the Loire itself, but sitting in its own lake. The roof space has been opened to the public to show off the masterful French timberframe roofing which has been given special UNESCO "intangible cultural heritage" status. The Loire Valley area itself is recognized by UNESCO as having cultural intangibility, and French cuisine also bears the coveted label;  one wonders why UNESCO doesn't just name the whole country culturally intangible and be done with it. It is perhaps no coincidence that UNESCO is situated in Paris ....




After cruising down alternate banks of the Loire from Orléans to Saumur via Bourgueil and Vouvray (purely in search of chateaux, you understand)  I cut across country back eastwards to the Berry, and Bourges, which is where the "Printemps" store chain originated. Le Printemps de Bourges. I made the mistake of arriving there on Easter weekend. Bourges is not the most throbbing of towns at the best of times, outside of its annual spring music festival,  but on Easter Sunday it was as dead as a dodo. There was a market (for all their Sunday closing laws, French Sunday markets are open even on the holiest Sunday in the church calendar) , but after a quick sniff around the cheese stalls at Les Halles, there was nothing else to do until lunch, and it was only 11 o'clock. The only free show in town was in the Cathedral, so I decided to go to Easter Mass.


Perhaps just as well the shops were shut in Bourges, I might have been tempted .....


Now my religious upbringing was somewhat patchy. Christened R.C. in homage to Grandpa Harridan who came from Ireland, I was brought up in a vague mixture of Anglican, Baptist and Spiritualist, with flashes of Hindu or Moslem depending on who our lodger was at any particular moment. I respect all religions, although subscribe to none, and do not go around taking flash photographs during a service. I took a place about halfway back, on the end of the front row of a block of seats, from where I could make a discreet escape should this prove necessary.

I love a nice flying buttress. Bourges Cathedral has got a lovely arse end.

The altar boys rushed past giggling and kicking each other, then reappeared 10 minutes later in the procession looking pious and holy, carrying huge candles, their eyes upturned to heaven. A stupid tourist woman tried to stand right in front of the procession to take a photograph and was swept aside unceremoniously by the verger.  One does not pap God on the march.  The Bishop of Bourges led the procession - at least, I'm guessing it was the Bishop, he had a pointy hat on - which went right in front of me.  My large handbag was on the floor, obstructing the processional glide every so slightly, and the Bish gave me a dirty look and swung his incense in my face. If he could have exclaimed "A HANDbag????" à la Lady Bracknell, he would have. The audience - sorry, congregation - knew all the actions, and were standing up, sitting down, standing up again, shouting things out, and waving their arms about (making the sign of the cross, surely? Ed.) I was not au fait with the audience participation bit, and the singing wasn't all that, so after half an hour I slipped away discreetly. Still, I like to think that my presence, allbeit brief, will have been registered somewhere.


After a short spin out to St Florent sur Cher with lunch in mind, and finding a very pretty village on the river with a lovely castle used as a town hall, but nothing resembling a restaurant, and nowhere to even buy a sandwich, I returned to Bourges too late to get a seat in a decent restaurant (one must be seated by 12.30 sharp in France or starve) and had an overpriced and very late lunch in the Taverne de Maitre Kanter by the Cathedral. The waiter was Colombian and the service appallingly slow, since anyone who does intangible French cuisine the disservice of sitting down to eat after 1 o'clock is considered an ignorant peasant and does not deserve to be served promptly.

By mid afternoon I was sitting in the Cathedral gardens wondering what to do for the rest of the day. On the map I saw what looked like a large park just outside the old town, so decided to mosey on down.  It was the best surprise of my whole trip - Les Marais is in fact a vast watermeadow which has been parcelled off into 1,500 or so allotments, where the good people of Bourges grow fruit, vegetables, flowers, or just laze around in deckchairs. The patchwork of gardens is divided up by a couple of rivers and a network of canals, and you can walk along the river banks for a couple of miles. It is idyllic, the peace broken only by the loud squawking of mating ducks. I realized why Bourges town centre was empty - everyone was here, walking their dogs and children, riding their bikes, fishing, rowing a boat or cultivating their gardens. Bourges was redeemed. 





Easter-themed arrangement to beat even Chenonceau, spotted on Easter Sunday


I stopped in Sancerre on Easter Monday to buy some wine, as you do, but by now the long-threatened bad weather front had materialized, and a small French hill town on a cold and damp Easter Monday is no place for older women, so I moved on to visit some friends living nearby who fed me royally for two days and helped me sample the small collection of local specialities I had collected from Chinon, Saumur and Sancerre.

One of McChé's French relatives, Mademoiselle Lucie

The Loire Valley ticked all my boxes. The weather defied the gloomy weather forecast right up until Easter Monday, and although chilly it was mostly sunny. The countryside is lovely - rather reminiscent of southern England, with soft rolling hills. The house prices were alarmingly reasonable. I didn't hear English spoken once until I got to Chinon on Good Friday. I found a big town I liked - Tours, which has everything you could want: a main railway station connected to the TGV, a medieval quarter, a Cathedral, a museum, an opera house, not one but four Irish pubs, and more importantly, a Monoprix, a Printemps and a Galeries Lafayette. I may well go back to Tours.  And the food defied description.  For an average of 20-25 euros (with the exception of Bourges on Easter Sunday) you can enjoy a 3-course gastronomic menu of exceptional quality.  As long as you are seated by 12.30. 



Saturday, March 31

ISLANDS IN THE STREAM


I am not a beach person. I couldn't give a figleaf for the Maldives or St Tropez. The sand gets in my sandwiches and my orifices, I burn in the sun and I have to be careful with seafood. I know how to swim, but if I am forced to do so, I'd much rather it was in a swimming pool, preferably one with a bar in it where I might sip a pina colada between widths, rather than dicing with death in the briny, in which, as W.C.Fields reminded us, fish procreate, humans defecate and which often has a fairly violent nature. Swimming pools don't have sharks in them as a rule.



I do like a good river though. I was born on the banks of Old Father Thames at its most majestic point (Westminster, not the Dartford Crossing) and have always had respect for a Proper River. As I child I caught my first travel bug on the Woolwich Ferry, and spent many a happy summer with cousin Vera at Shiplake, in our jobs as First and Second Mates on Captain Uncle John's Daily Mirror fibreglass dinghy (HMS Ollie Beak), fishing for roach, or in the odd very hot summer swimming in the river.


It seemed a lot bigger then


I misspent a good deal of my youth at the Thames-side taverns of Greenwich, holding Arthur Smith's pint of smooth for him while he recited the naughty bits of T.S.Eliot: "By Richmond I raised my knees, Supine on the floor of a narrow canoe ..... weilala leia, wallala leialala ... ".

I misspent my twenties and a good part of my thirties on, and often under, the bridges of Paris, screaming under the Pont Bir Hakeim fancying I bore a faint resemblance to Maria Schneider, gazing romantically at the Eiffel Tower from the Pont Alexandre III, or cruising up the Seine on a bateau-mouche while Edith Piaf songs warbled from the tannoy. I'm definitely more river than riviera.




A city needs a proper river. I cannot take Brussels seriously as it only has a canal. There was once a river here called the Senne, which was built over. Bits of it emerge in the south of the city, but it's nowt but a trickle, you'd be hard pressed even to call it a stream. A babbling brook, nothing more. Pffft. And they haven't done much with the canal, which in places seems to serve as a rubbish tip. There are no chic canalside restaurants, no pleasant towpaths along which to stroll on a Sunday. Just derelict factories and flats, and once a year a fake beach. Shame on you, Brussels town hall.


Not exactly Amsterdam is it?
Photo: Lieven Soete www.bruxel.org


Next Monday I am setting off on a motoring tour of the Chateaux of the Loire. The Loire is a magnificent river, running for over 1,000 kilometers from the hills of the Ardèche northwards, and then west, to its outflow into the Atlantic at Nantes. It loops and meanders, it has islands and beaches and a great deal of it goes through wine country. I shall be overnighting in Saumur and Chinon, and taking in Bourgueil, Pouilly and Sancerre. Which might be an indication that the Chateaux are not the only focus of my trip.

I shall however keep an eye on the property market with a view to a retirement home...




Happy Easter everyone! Back in two weeks with some lovely photos I hope.




I'm packing my James Blunt CD as we speak.

Saturday, March 24

NUL POINTS

I seem to have started something of a craze. Last night's Strictly Come Dancing Underwater for Sport Relief (they cancelled EastEnders, leaving me in total suspenders about The Crime of The Century) featured "celebrity" couples looking quite fetching in a variation on my gas mask. So I will probably add ballroom dancing to my potential dream catalogue. Can't wait.



It's that time again. With the first rustle of spring, the qualifiers for the 57th Eurovision song contest in Azerbaijan are under way. All participating countries have voted for their song, and who is going to sing it. I can't imagine why they're holding the Eurovision in Ivory Coast which is not even in Europe, but it's probably got something to do with overseas aid.

No-one wants to win Eurovision any more. It costs too much to stage. Ireland is banking on nul points by entering Jedward, the identical twins conjoined at the hair follicles. This could backfire on them. I suspect this sort of lunacy is probably what passes for exotic in Baku. The UK is bowling a googly by wheeling out 75-year-old Engelbert Humperdinck, but they may have underestimated the Azerbaijani love of elderly men in dinner jackets crooning dismal ballads. Engelbert is Big in Azerbaijan. The Russians have gone one better and found a village choir of toothless old peasants to ensure they end up pointless. The Azeris (they hope) will ROFL their AO at the Russian grannies. This could also fall flat. The Azeris could be kinkier than they think.

Thank God Terry Wogan isn't still doing the commentary. I'd love a joint first between the UK and Russia, with a finale sung by Engelbert and the Russian Old Spice Girls.Let's hear it for Deafy, Gummy, Wrinkly, Shaky Khan, Nora Battsky and Posh.






Saturday, March 17

NIGHTFIGHTER

For reasons too boring to go into, my physician has recommended that I change my nocturnal headgear. The pineapple, apparently, is interfering with my sleep patterns. He recommends taking off the fruit bowl at night and donning a fetching little number called a CPAP. Which I think is Russian for Thank God I Already Sleep Alone.

There are various models of mask on the market.


The "Mandy"



The "Britney"




The "Trench Kiss"

The "Bends"




The "Stig"



The "Major Tom"


The "Ganesh"
The "Vader"
(also available in white)

The "Oodie"


The "Hannibal"




And my personal favourite:

The "Chocs Away, Old Girl!"



I'm looking forward to some interesting dreams. Just call me Icewoman.


Sunday, March 11

THE POWER OF SCRABBLE


The power of prayer really works. I found myself praying - to anyone, really - for inspiration for something to stick on this blog to stop it going mouldy, and dear old Tom Joad unwittingly came to the rescue. He has revived his excellent blog Word du Jour - which is a mine of information for etymology freaks - and browsing through it I found this post which I contributed back in January 2010. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.


Daphne does Dictionaries

Hasbro’s Scrabble Plus computer game is a goldmine for wordsmiths. Its built-in dictionary encompasses American, Australian, South African and Scots dialect, as well as every technical dictionary known to man, and then some I think it just makes up as it goes along. It does allow you to check if you suspect it of cheating. Every fish (of which there are 25,000 in the world), mammal, rock, archaeological term, dance move, cloud formation, generic drug, mathematical term and paint colour in the WORLD is in the Scrabble dictionary. It’s like playing against Stephen Fry.

The Scrabble Nazi, who always manages to sneak up behind me when I am playing against the computer, rails and rants that abbreviations, initials, exclamations, proper nouns, foreign words, slang or acronyms shouldn’t be allowed. And words he has never heard of. According to the Wikipedia definition: “Acronyms or abbreviations, other than those that have been regularized (such as AWOL, RADAR, and SCUBA), are not allowed. Variant spellings, slang or offensive terms, archaic or obsolete terms, and specialized jargon words are allowed if they meet all other criteria for acceptability.” I’m more sanguine. It’s the computer’s game. I have to learn to play by its rules. But that doesn’t mean it always wins…


Aardvark


AA
If you thought Aardvark was the first word in the dictionary, you now stand corrected. It is Aa. Aa (pronounced with two syllables, like ah-ah) is rough cindery lava found in Hawaii. Hawaii being part of the USA, I guess that means all Hawaiian words are acceptable. Does this apply to Native American languages? Of which there are nearly 300 north of Mexico.

AW
This, apparently, is Scots for “all”. Now I don’t mind common Scots words such as “Bampot” or “Gobshite”, but Hasbro seems to take the view that if it’s in print somewhere, it’s a word, and so every mickle word that Rabbi Burns ever put down on paper is fair game.

AY
Ever. Scots, again.

DOH
A deer, a female deer.

ER
Expression of hesitation.

FE
Means the same as fee, don’t argue, it just is.


GI
I got the SN on this one. He thought it was G.I. (as in American soldier) but I knew it was the Japanese word for karate pajamas (being the Word Geek that I am, I once compiled a list of 50 Japanese words that everyone should know). Which brings us to whether a foreign word in common usage is allowed? Computer says hai karate.

LITE
Now I would have bought this if it had said “sugar-free” as in Coke Lite. But it thinks Lite is the opposite of dark. And to compound matters it adds Liten, Liteness, Litenesses, Litening, and Litely. The SN goes purple and hops about with rage, and it sure ain’t English, but I will use it if I get a chance.

NAH
Expression of denial. See NO, NAW.

PARA
This, it says is an abbreviation of Paratrooper. The SN feels that as an abbreviation it therefore should not be allowed. I detect an increasingly anti military tone to his objections.


Paras is also a word


PARAE
A type of fish. You’ll have to take my word on this one.


RAH
A cheer. As in rah rah rah.

QUOP
I had a Q, an O and a blank, and there was a triple word square and a double letter square lined up over a P. It was too tempting not to chance my arm. Q*OP! 72 points! The most I have EVER scored in Scrabble. The Scrabble dictionary said quop was a verb, meaning to throb or pulsate. It turns out it was ONCE used by James Joyce, in Ulysses: ”His heart quopped.” Now just because James Joyce made up a word, does that make it a real word? In which case we can really have some fun. I would tend to agree with the SN on this one, but 72 points – brillig!

ZO
A Tibetan breed of cattle, also spelled ZHO. Now I would have had this down as a proper noun, but who am I to argue with Deep Thought?


It’s a whole new world of words at Hasbro.