Whatever your circumstances, you can never have too many bagsIt is a sad fact that ageing is an expensive business for a woman. One must spend more and more on beauty treatments, orthopaedic shoes, heating, and gigolos. At our age we are no longer able to "rough it" as we did in our youth. We need five-star restaurants, crystal glasses and linen tablecloths. Anything less would be inelegant. In the current economic climate one should tighten one's belt, but middle-age spread makes it difficult for some of us.
Ageless Ena Sharples
Dropping one's standards is not an option when one has worked all one's life to keep oneself in the manner to which one hopes to become accustomed. The trick is not to acquire any new luxury tastes whilst maintaining one's acquis. My dear old friend Imelda, the Dowager Duchess of Southend, is a fine example. Now in her dotage, she maintains her ancestral council flat in SW1, but having got used to the little luxuries of life through her career as a cleaner in the House of Lords, where she would regularly lift delicacies from the members' ermine robes whilst they were sitting (in fact she even lifted an ermine robe, which she wears as a dressing gown), the thought of shopping at Asda fills her with horror. When I suggested that her weekly delivery of top quality wild Scottish salmon by DHL was perhaps a little extravagant, she cried in horror: "Do you expect me to slum it? If it's good enough for the cats, it's good enough for me." That's the mark of a true lady.
Ageless Ena SharplesDropping one's standards is not an option when one has worked all one's life to keep oneself in the manner to which one hopes to become accustomed. The trick is not to acquire any new luxury tastes whilst maintaining one's acquis. My dear old friend Imelda, the Dowager Duchess of Southend, is a fine example. Now in her dotage, she maintains her ancestral council flat in SW1, but having got used to the little luxuries of life through her career as a cleaner in the House of Lords, where she would regularly lift delicacies from the members' ermine robes whilst they were sitting (in fact she even lifted an ermine robe, which she wears as a dressing gown), the thought of shopping at Asda fills her with horror. When I suggested that her weekly delivery of top quality wild Scottish salmon by DHL was perhaps a little extravagant, she cried in horror: "Do you expect me to slum it? If it's good enough for the cats, it's good enough for me." That's the mark of a true lady.
30 comments:
Darling, have you tried taking Omega 3 Fish Oils (naturesbest.co.uk do the very best)? I've been taking them for a while now and I swear I have shed at least two wrinkles.
It's also good for many other things including amnesia. Try it - and it's a darn sight cheaper than creams.
Is there room here for the chap's point of view? If so, here's the predicament: I have reached the age where Mme Inkspot is asking me whether I think she should get some work done around the jaw. I ask you: what is the right answer? Look, I know the right answers to "does my bum look big in this?" and "If a gorgeous 20-year-old wanted to sleep with you, and you could, without any repercussions, would you?" (honestly, I have been asked this), but the jaw question is terra nova.
I hope Imelda makes friends with Mandy Mandelson and invites him home for tea. Those queens would get on like a house on fire.
En guise de gigolo ,un rigolo peut-il faire l'affaire ??
Il y avait le masque à l'escalope ,puis celui aux concombres maintenant l' oméga-3 ...
Mais il y a aussi et dieu merci !
Au début il n'y avait rien, aussi Dieu créa l'univers et vit que c'était beau.
Alors, il créa la terre et vit que c'était beau.
Dessus, il créa la nature et vit que c'était beau.
Pour peupler la nature, il créa les animaux et vit que c'était beau.
Pour gérer tout ça, il créa l'homme et vit que c'était beau.
Pour agrémenter la vie de l'homme, il créa la femme et se dit
"oups! maintenant il va falloir inventer photoshop"
Inkspot, you can get a jawline for seven and a half which when you consider the overheads and salaries, is cheap. Give her your card and tell her to knock herself out.
Cat-Lady?
Always with the Cats?
Well good for her. She should have bagged herself one of those foggy ole Lords whilst still in possession of her seductive, feminine, charms.
Had she managed to canoodle her way into the sheets and made herself indispensible she could have averted slumming amidst the great unwashed and lived the Life of Riley until her liver exploded.
Hindsight is always 20/20 innit?
Zed, the doc has put me on some sort of fish extract for me arthritis. Wrinkles are the price you pay for not being fat. Hot tip: Body Shop's Shea Body Butter works as a face cream, it's smooth and non-greasy and costs a mere 16 euros for a huge tub. Have I said that before? Perhaps I'd better start taking the fish oils too.
Inky, welcome to Chateau Daphne. Don't say yes unless you're prepared to pay for it. And that goes for most things in life.
GB, that is incontrovertible proof that you are totally out of touch with the working class. They are all Tories. She wouldn't let Mandy carry her handbag for fear he'd nick her pension book.
Crabtree, Dieu a t-elle crée Brigitte Bardot dans son image aussi?
Maroon, you can get two for the price of one in the Philippines, with a fake Rolex thrown in.
Donn, I refer you to my earlier opus where I introduce Imelda, and you will see that she did indeed 'bag' herself an old foggy. Unfortunately he died and left her with enormous debts at the off-license and not enough empties to pay them off. The lesson being, if you marry for money, sign a prenup. She kept the title though, and is invited to tea at the Lords once a year.
Dr M, Lady Daphne, thank you for your fine, upstanding advice. The money is not the point (after all, it doesn't compare with years of putting up with me). How do I find out what she wants to be told without precipitating global thermonuclear war? Which, in a small house, is an inconvenient thing to have happen. Look, it's not quite the same as trying to help decide what overpriced pot of gunge to buy to put on her face.
I'm sorry to clog up your comments section in this way, milady.
Ouch!Aïe ! It was not funny ?
And God... created the woman, yes !
Definitely the clown makes more receipt !
Not yet for Lewis Hamilton , but almost!
Daphne, right now vasaline is the new creme de la Mer, and wood is the new oil, but I think black is black . . . ?
Sx
Inky, I'm against cosmetic surgery for safety reasons. Look at poor Lesley Ash. Give Mrs Spot lots of attention and don't drool at other women, to prove you love her just the way she is. That's assuming you do. Don't worry about clogging up my comments box, my blog is an open door.
Mais oui Crabtree, tu est toujours funny! La Bardot ressemble plutot a une vieille clown ces jours-ci.
Scarlet, black is always in vogue, as long as you don't wear it like a Sicilian widow. Red, however, is the new yellow.
More sagacity; thanks again. (The no drooling rule I knew already.)
So it's true that the French have no word for funny?
Red being the new yellow would explain my problems with traffic lights. Well, some of them.
a friend of mine, in the good ol' USA, lost 75kg with surgical assistance. She said she looks great now but I don't feel like seeing her, it's freaky, does that make me a bad person? can I go on Oprah with that? pleeeeeaase...I'm soooooo traumatiiiiiisedddddd.
I can honestly say I don't spend tuppence on gigolos but I know what you mean. Anyone born in the thirties has been tightening their belts ad nauseum throughout the years - one dam thing after another. And the doom mongers can go and take a running jump. As the song says: 'What's the use of worrying and feeling blue?' Seriously - what is?
Inkspot ,
If they exist !" Marrant ,Comique "
But not so funny :)
Daphné,
La Bardot ressemble plutot a une vieille pomme , voir même un sharpei !
A côté tu as l'air d'une jeune fille ,au teint de pêche !
Et avoir la pêche c'est important :)
Sister Emmanuelle Born in to Brussels has just deposited its bags to the paradise doors to almost 100 years (scorpion as me)!
Provided that the old bearded mister recognizes it behind the wrinkles of his existence !?
Inky, there are lots of French words for funny: they even have an equivalent of LOL which is MDR (mort de rire). They can be hilarious - but you have to understand French. Otherwise you're stuck with Jacques Tati.
Jake, good lord, how much did she weigh to start with? She's lost the equivalent of me. Did she associate with Nigella Lawson by any chance? She has reduced her father and now her husband to a shadow of their former selves. And she's supposed to be a good cook????
Pat, a gigolo is sometimes necessary and far less trouble than a husband. Of course you must have the wherewithal. A good one is not cheap.
Crabtree, Crabtree, Crabtree, there you go again with your flattery. Soeur Emmanuelle certainly didn't age well since those films she made in the 70's.
Thanks for MDR. Et je remercie aussi le M. Crabtree, dont l'"if" je viens de comprendre.
I see that Tati had a Dutch mother. Does that make him practically Belgian?
Merci Inkspot ,
Mort De Rire ! ( Dead Of Laugh ! )
Amusant, bizarre, cocasse, comique, coquin, curieux, désopilant, divertissant, drolatique, étonnant, étrange, extravagant, facétieux, folichon, gaillard, gamin, gosse, hilarant, impayable, insolite, lascar, marrant, original, plaisant, polisson, récréatif, rigolo, risible, spirituel, surprenant... I believe to have all placement !!
All that for an English word , Simplissime !! "funny"
Daphné,
Not flatterie ; too much sugar spoils the teeth! But friendship without calculation :)
Caribbean gigolos are quite cheap, I've heard - a pair of Nike, some other bits of clothing, food, and they're happy.
Ena Sharples, now there was a lady. We know a bag lady here, but we suspect that the bags are just an affectation as she actually has a place to stay (a shed which somebody kindly build for her).
"They can be hilarious - but you have to understand French. Otherwise you're stuck with Jacques Tati" - I can't resist mentioning my favourite French comedy here: Tenue de soirée.
Inky, Tati was in fact part Russian too, his grandfather was the Russian military attache in Paris, "Tati" being an abbreviation of Tatishev. Now Russians with a sense of humour, that's unusual.
Crabtree, Veux-tu dire "funny ha-ha" ou "funny peculiar"?
GG, don't gigolos wear hair pommade any more? I have a crate of it in my cellar, I could afford a dozen gigolos at 1928 prices.
Gadjo, I actually saw WITH MY OWN EYES the famous showdown between Ena and Tony Blair's late stepmother-in-law, aka "The sexiest woman on British TV" (dixit my uncle John) Elsie Tanner. Can't remember who won though. I think it was a draw. I also remember the night Martha Longhurst dropped dead in the snug of the Rovers in black and white. How can I be so old and still be working? Tenue de soiree was indeed tres rigolo, as was "Les Ripoux", which was remade as Le Cop and which I'm sure was part of the inspiration behind Life on Mars.
Orthopaedic shoes? Oh, Daphne, no. Higher, higher is the only way to go, even though your poor leathery old visage is a grim rictus of pain. Mutti, the lovely old harridan, never lowered her standards, or her heel-height. As a result she has the feet of a Stegasaurus (sp) but says it was all worth it. I am my mother's daughter, and no mistake.
Mrs P, I am getting a picture of Lesley Joseph in "Birds of a Feather" -- am I far wrong?
simplement funny ha-ha " drôle " !
Il est évidant que chaque synonyme de drôle à sa propre traduction !
"too much sugar spoils the teeth" c'est funny et poutant cela na rien de coquin ni folichon !
Not flatterie ,facétieux...
But friendship without calculation ,coquin,gamin,polisson !
Un bonjour affectueux ;)
No, Daphne, you are absolutely right. Well done.
For what it's worth, my Harold thought she was hot stuff. When he was having his midlife crisis.
If I may take the liberty of doing so, I'd like to know about whatever became of the idea of 'ageing gracefully'.
:D
Yeah, Daphne, what became of it? Hmm? Hmm?
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